Top Ten Signs
You Won't Win "American Idol"
From the Late Show with David Letterman
10. You dedicate
"I Will Always Love You" to Saddam Hussein
9. Backstage, people
say, "Are you still here?"
8. North Korea says
if you lose they'll stop producing enriched uranium
7. Your mother says,
"You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben"
6. You were recently
named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi"
5. You've already
appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"
4. Vegas gives you
the same odds of winning it all as the Mets
3. You cancel your
performance to stay home and watch "Jag"
2. Simon beats you
with the microphone stand
1. Your voice is
muffled by the SARS mask
The Top 5 Signs
Your Prom Date Is William Hung
5. He manages to
tear your dress, trash your corsage and step on *both* your
feet dancing, but that doggone goofy charm convinces you to
give it up anyway.
4. Despite his embarrassing
performance in the back seat of his car, his earnest demeanor
landed him a $25,000 porno deal.
3. His tux? The
limo? The hotel room? Everything has been rented for just 15
2. "Our next
song is by request -- for the fifth time tonight, not that we're
counting... 'She Bangs!'"
and the Number 1
Sign Your Prom Date Is William Hung...
1. Fox has already
cleared three nights of its fall schedule to accommodate a series
documenting the evening, with rights to a second one covering
Top Ten Things
I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"
10. "If I had
won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"
I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"
8. "Ryan Seacrest
isn't as smart as he seems on TV"
7. "If you want
to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at
Old Navy tomorrow"
6. "George W.
Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty
well for himself"
that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"
4. "Until 10
minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"
3. "I could
take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"
2. "I handled
my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and
keyed the crap out of Simon's car"
1. "I have one
thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you