attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be
50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
Pilot - "Folks,
we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's
a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects
the flight pattern."
And, after landing:
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."
As the plane landed
and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice
comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly
rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant
on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest
Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt,
and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss
of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination
is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have
them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit
the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off
the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot
during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest
Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the
Another flight Attendant's
comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher
of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight
Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
On reaching his plane
seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to
him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot
squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess,
flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the
When this omission
is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls
"And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset,
the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no
Unaccustomed to such
slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked
you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment,
both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out
of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards
the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't
fly, you complain too much!"
At the airport for
a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement
at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system
saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta
Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked
up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes
later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would
in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered
our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just
as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again:
"Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness
RULES OF THE AIRWAYS
Takeoff's are optional.
Landings are mandatory.
Flying is not dangerous;
crashing is dangerous.
Speed is life, altitude
is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
The only time you
have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Flying is the second
greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!
Everyone knows a
'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great
landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.
The probability of
survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
Was that a landing
or were we shot down?
Learn from the mistakes
of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Trust your captain....
but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
Be nice to your first
officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
Any attempt to stretch
fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
A pilot is a confused
soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying
when he's with a woman.
Try to keep the number
of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
There are old pilots,
and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
Gravity never loses!
The best you can hope for is a draw!
At a recent software
engineering management course in the US, the participants were
given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded
an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had
been responsible for the flight control software how many of
you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite
content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to
even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.