A kid was sitting
on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was
on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers.
Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.
The little boy said, "Republicans." The President
beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Thatta boy!"
A few weeks later
Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush
stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey
kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"
The boy said, "Democracts"
Bush looked crushed,
saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"
The boy said, "Well,
the puppies opened their eyes."
wo actors that haven't
seen each other in several weeks run in to each other on the
street.
1st Actor: Haven't seen you in a while, how's everything going?
2nd Actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer
in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew about that
died and left me $2,000,000.
#1: That's great!
#2: Yeah. And then last week I hit the lottery and won $7,000,000.
#1: That's wonderful!
#2: Yeah, but this week, nothing!
When Bill and Hillary
first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under
our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all
their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on
the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better
of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box
there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and
she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years
I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed.
However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But
now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for
a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you,
I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself
not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked,
but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess
after all those years away from home on the road, temptation
does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering
the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made
their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So
why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well,
whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the
recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
Do you know how we
can get Osama bin Laden? Lace a bunch of Watchtower magazines
with anthrax and send the Jehovah Witnesses in after him. Those
people can find anybody!
Kofi Annan's New
Year's UN Resolutions
Be brave -- ask US for more money. Salt and pepper beard more.
Apply for US citizenship.
Lose weight -- no
more delicious McDonald's cultural hegemony!
Bad-mouth US in front
of Middle Eastern diplomats more.
Daily affirmation:
"I am not the tool of the world's sole superpower!"
Make the UN more
bureaucratish.
Write resolution
to write more resolutions condemning the rogue state of Luxembourg.
Talk to US President
more in broader terms - "African People Hungry," "Arabs
Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps
speak slower.
Finally count out
Third World dues change jar.
Resolve to cut the
word ?Secretary? from title. ?General Annan? catchier.
Change name of UN
Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER", or
"THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or ?THE GUNS
AND MISSILES CLUB?.
Switch lame blue
helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks.
Make sure diplomatic
immunity applies to downloading illegal nude photos of that
smoking broad Condi.
Do charter bi-lines
allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of their
own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations.
Look into it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!
Q. How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A. There's a big wheel parked outside his house.
Q. What's the difference
between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. One was the first to walk on the moon and the other fucks
little boys up the ass.
Q. How does Michael
Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.
Q. Why did Michael
Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.
Q. What has 18 balls
and 3 pubic hairs?
A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.
Q. Why does Hillary
want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning?
A. She wants to be the first lady.
Q. What's Bill Clinton's
idea of safe sex?
A. When Hillary is out of town.
Q. Did you hear that
Monica Lewinsky turned Republican?
A. The democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
Q. How come Mike
Tyson’s eye's water during sex?
A. Mace
Q. What does Ellen
DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn't, she eats out!
Q. Why can't the
government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it.
Q. What's the difference
between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!
Q. What's white and
sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
A. George Michael's latest release.
Q. What do you call
a man with a blackhead on his dick?
A. Hugh Grant.
Q. What's the difference
between George Michael and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave stops when you open the door.
Q. How
does Michael Jackson know its time for bed?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand.
Q. What's
the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One is white, plastic and dangerous to young children, the
other is a plastic bag.
Q. How did Helen
Keller's mother punish her?
A. By rearranging the living-room furniture.
Q. What did Helen
Keller do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed her hands off.
Q. Why does Helen
Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. So she can moan with the other.
Q. Why was Helen
Keller's leg yellow?
A. Her dog was blind too.
Q. What did Helen
Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?
A. Washed her hands with soap.
Q. Why did Bill Clinton
stop playing the saxophone?
A. He was too busy playing the hormonica.
Q. Do you know why
Monica got a stain on her dress?
A. She didn't keep her mouth shut!
Q. What does Wal-Mart,
Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. Boy's underwear half off.
Q. 100 Women Surveyed,
"Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.
Q. What's green and
smells like Monica Lewinsky?
A. The pool table in the oval office.
Q. What does McDonald's
and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.
Q. What does Bill
Clinton and a country folk dancer have in common?
A. They both throw a ho down.
Q. Why did Bill Clinton
name his new dog Buddy?
A. He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"
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