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Spell Checker
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that
he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer
asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore
elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in
it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer
decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this
machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then
mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and
to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to
the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample.
He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the
computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes
before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog
has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't
stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis
elbow.
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of
computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar,
he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER
NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters
and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that
he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does
for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he
drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers
he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says,
"OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing
a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket
protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender,
without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the
guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds
are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon
Valley. You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his
truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to
avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door
breaks open and computers spill out all over the road.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching
up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of
engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks.
Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever
seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering
what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and
starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out
of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer
nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't
fail
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my
queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped
blues.
If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family.
Because the Supreme Court ain't the only place with :
Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped
blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would
freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I
abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation - Core dumped
blues!
Bill Gates' Adventures in Heaven
Ever wondered what heaven looks like ?
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went
to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the
reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts.
There were literally millions of people milling about,
living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and
water were being distributed from the backs of trucks,
while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way
through the crowd. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks
until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The
staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred
with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words
TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could
have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown
bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your
induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question,
but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel
Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel
who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me
your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in
which case it's first name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the
sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's
Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked
Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint
Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"
Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's
records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says
here that you were the president of a large software
company. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter
business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or
so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all
by himself, no problem. But now there are over five
billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go
forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With
that large a population, ten thousand people die every
hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think
Peter can meet them all personally?" "I guess not."
"You guess right."
So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is
the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in
the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees
like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked
though his paperwork some more, and then continued.
"Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a
background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job
assignment."
"Job assignment?"
"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity
sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a
big operation. You have to pull your weight around
here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign
at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and
handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center
#23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His
name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but
Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham."
Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he
came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after
a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data
processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As
you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It
takes us a week just to process new entries."
"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared
at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a
mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a
bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia
thing has you guys backed up."
Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your
job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing
center. We're building the largest computing facility in
creation. Half a million computers connected by a
multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a
back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a
gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed
processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a
great job! This is really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be
starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the
center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to
Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge
facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome.
Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the
miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the
center was dominated by the computers. Half a million
computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million
....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not
a single byte of Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using
products that he had spent his whole life working to
destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he
exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel???
What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer
system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a
data processing center based on PCs running Windows,
then ....
.... GO TO HELL!"
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter
plane, with a couple of very important executives on
board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick
fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments
went out. So he began circling around looking for
landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty
low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.
Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees
a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth
floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the
window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this,
the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane."
The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree
turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on
the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the
plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
"Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that
building a simple question. The answer he gave me was
100 percent correct, but absolutely useless, therefore
that must be Microsoft's support office and from there
the airport is just a while away."
MICROSOFT TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF "PAL"
REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by
tragedy today as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the
Windows NT Team, was brutally murdered in an apparently
psychotic tirade by one of the "personalities" of
Microsoft's latest operating system shell program, Bob.
In the small hours of this morning, Java, the "friendly"
coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the screen of
Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a swath of destruction
throughout the hapless worker's office and into the
accompanying hallway.
The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus
Security upon failing to produce a valid Microsoft
keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have been a
tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently
undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington
Institute for Perfectly Valid Lifeforms Who in the Heat
of the Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things. Says
Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert pianist,
"It's touch and go right now. I don't think Java yet
realizes the immensity of what he's done."
`Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the
stegosaur-like computer guide screaming "All I wanted
was a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments before
dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality,
"This is just terrible. Java was always such a great
guy. Sure, he was a little high strung, but I can't
believe he would do something like this. I think we need
to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob
Personality group is under so that another such incident
doesn't occur."
A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's
recent attempt to quit smoking as a result of a clause
in his contract. Lawyers are examining whether this
constitutes a violation of discriminatory hiring
statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not
be reached for comment, but an undisclosed source
asserted "We couldn't have him puffing away like that.
He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the
market."
Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of
cardiac arrest, but are unclear on whether this was a
result of the vicious attack or the fact that Bob
installed successfully on NT.
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