drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win
$10,000; ask bartender for details".
He asks and the bartender
says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?".
The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender
says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to
the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing
an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and
come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's
apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can
satisfy her, you win the money!"
The drunk says ok
and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks
to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He
orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps
inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender
and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence.
Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody,
clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says
"o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".
A man bought a new
Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the
interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down,
the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and
he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph,
he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and
opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality
of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought
and pulled over.
The cop came up to
him, took his license without a word and examined it and the
"It's been a
long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the
13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration
or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse
for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about
it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran
off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice
weekend," said the officer.
A police officer
pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the
guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this
The man says, "Sorry,
officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll
have a really bad asthma attack."
I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do
that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to
we need a urine sample."
officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I
do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do
A drunk phoned police
to report that thieves had been in his car.
the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the
accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the
police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time
with the same voice came over the line.
he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Three guys were talking
in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was
the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet
that no could beat him.
The challenge was
that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice
ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer.
Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon
would win the money.
Over the years many
people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate
masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little
fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and
asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter
had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the
man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and
started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to
the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice
onto the bar!
Everyone looked on
in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked
"What do you do for a living that has given you such strength?
Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No"
the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A man walks into
a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars
that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah,
right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes
out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender
pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes
back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars
I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really
skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you
can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites
his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks