Top Ten Things
Overheard Last Night at the Florida Election Commission
10. "The first
vote goes to Gore...call CNN and tell them Gore won."
9. "Wait, if
my wet laundry is in the ballot box...oh my god! Stop the dryer!"
8. "If someone
voted for 'the jerk,' do I give it to Gore or Bush?"
7. "Let's be
extra careful, because every single vote counts...ha, ha, ha,
ha, just kidding!"
6. "120... 121...
122! Yes! I'm the ballot-eating champion!"
5. "This is
much easier than my last job designing tires for Firestone"
must never know Ralph Nader actually won the election"
all these votes for Bush -- they're obviously left over from
2. "I'm sure
gonna miss you guys when this is over. If only there was a way
to make it last a few more days..."
1. "Heads Bush...
and Bumper Stickers
"Those who cast
the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes
decide everything." -Joseph Stalin (Bush campaign advisor)
My parents retired
to Florida and all I got was this lousy President
Disney gave us Mickey,
Florida gave us Dumbo
Don't throw away
your vote........let Katherine Harris do it for you.
One person, one vote
(may not apply in certain states)
Who is this Chad
guy and why is he pregnant.
Bush trusts the people,
but not if it involves counting.
To you I'm a drunk
driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material!
I didn't vote for
his daddy either.
It ain't over till
your brother counts the votes.
The election can't
be broken. We just fixed it.
The Bush Administration
- Taxpayer Supported Organized Crime
George W. Bush: The
President Quayle We Never Had
Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless.
night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly
to each other some political experts think that they may end
up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly,
President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage."
announced he's running for president after a new poll found
he'd get .5% of the vote. Nader's slogan: 'Eat my dust Kucinich.'"
"A big weekend
for the candidates. President Bush highlighted his foreign policy,
and then John Kerry emphasized his war record, and then Ralph
Nader bragged about an article he wrote on toasters that explode."
"As of midnight
Thursday night, John Kerry began receiving Secret Service protection,
a three-car detail of special agents, and a bullet proof limousine
pulled up in front of his house and stayed there all night.
See, that's what you get when you're the frontrunner. Dennis
Kucinich got a whistle and a can of mace." —Jay Leno
is a seasoned trial lawyer. You think a lawyer would make a
good president? You know I look at it this way, if we're going
to consistently have liars in the White House, why not get a
professional?" —Jay Leno
ended his campaign for president this week, but so far he has
refused to endorse another candidate. As a result Dean received
thank you notes from both John Kerry and John Edwards."
"Today was the
Wisconsin primary ... But they say it looks like Howard Dean
is doing worse than expected. Worse than expected? That must
be pretty bad since he was expected to drop out of the race.
What now, is he being deported?" —Jay Leno
said earlier today that after Wisconsin's primary, he will have
achieved the goal of a two-man race. The bad news for Edwards
is that the two men are John Kerry and George Bush." —Jay
rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman.
When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal,
a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon,
Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday,
a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an
affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added,
'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" —Conan O'Brien
"As John Kerry
sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging
about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where
he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine
physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this
right after Election Day." —Craig Kilborn
strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush.
They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for
a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll
be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay
Edwards is making adjustments in his presidential aspirations,
having lost primaries in two Southern states. Edwards now spends
hours a day watching video tape of Dan Quayle and Al Gore, practicing
his golf swing and constantly complimenting Senator Kerry on
his choice of neckties." —Dennis Miller
"You can tell
that the campaign has shifted into high gear because whenever
President Bush refers to John Kerry, he calls him 'the senator
from the gay wedding state'." —David Letterman
"They had a
profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife
was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current
wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says
he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just
talking. He's doing it!" —Jay Leno
Clark pulled out of the Democratic presidential race. He said
he's going to go back to his old job, being a Republican."
"Bush said the
unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000
people started working for John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn
and Howard Dean remind me of Christina Aguilera's boobs: everyone's
just waiting for them to drop out." —Craig Kilborn
has been endorsed by Dick Gephardt. Kerry's response, 'What
did I do to you?'" —Craig Kilborn
"In a speech
over the weekend, Al Gore brutally attacked President Bush and
his policies. You see, if Al Gore really wants President Bush
to lose in 2004, instead of attacking Bush, he should endorse
him. Look what it did for the Dean campaign." —Jay Leno
moment last week for Wesley Clark, his motorcade was pulled
over by Oklahoma state troopers for speeding. He was speeding,
apparently charged with going nowhere fast." —Jay Leno
"On 'Meet the
Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if
he lost the election and Bush said, 'You mean like last time?'"
"It's nine months
before the election and Bush's poll numbers have fallen to the
exact level that his father's poll numbers were nine months
before he lost to Bill Clinton. Today front runner John Kerry
said he's not superstitious, but just to be on the safe side,
he's going to start f---ing everything that moves." —Bill
"It was a disappointing
primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus side his campaign
was long, quiet and depressing enough to qualify as a Jewish
holiday." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend
"In a new issue
of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married
to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild,
Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally
a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women."
won 5 of the 7 contests — a number of political analysts say
the nomination is Kerry's to lose and today Dean said 'I'll
show you how to do it.'" —Jay Leno
in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking
too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat."
both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance
with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President
Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for
him." —Conan O'Brien
to Senator John Kerry — the big winner in yesterday’s primary.
Won five out of seven. I just hope all these victories don't
give Kerry a big head." —Jay Leno
won his home state of South Carolina. He said last night again
there are really two Americas and he wants to create just one
America. And the Republicans said that's fine with us as long
as there is still a first class section." —Jay Leno
poor results at the primaries last night, Senator Joe Lieberman
will be dropping out of the race. Earlier today, he broke the
news to his supporter." —David Letterman
"This past weekend
was tough on a lot of the candidates. John Edwards got caught
trying to bring a pen knife through airport security. Wesley
Clark's motorcade got stopped for speeding in Oklahoma. And
Dennis Kucinich's campaign got cited for loitering." —Jay
got under 10 percent in South Carolina, Missouri and Oklahoma.
So that Al Gore endorsement is really starting to kick in now."
appears to be the front runner. Do you know the name of Kerry's
bus? It's the Real Deal Express, that's the name of his campaign
bus. Do you know the name of Dennis Kucinich's bus? Greyhound."
is bringing an Army verteran on the campaign trail who saved
his life in Vietnam. However, Clark's plan might backfire since
the man is John Kerry." —Conan O'Brien
"We have to
tape this show around 6 o'clock, 6:30, so we're not positive
of the exact results but I really can confidently predict the
following: Today, voters in seven states from North Dakota to
New Mexico humored Joe Lieberman, ignored Dennis Kucinich, reminisced
about Howard Dean, and admired Clark's hussle, but still found
him too creepy." —Jon Stewart
"Today is Groundhog's
Day. President Bush looked over at his shadow and saw John Kerry."
"A number of
plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now,
as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox
shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished.
They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now."
is finding out that it is no fun to be the front runner, that's
when you get all the heat. He had to deny internet rumors this
week that he had Botox treatments. The Republicans say Kerry
should have a clear, unfurrowed brow the old fashioned way by
not giving a sh--." —Bill Maher
that's really in trouble apparently is Howard Dean. It was in
the paper this week he blew 40 million so far with very little
to show for it. Got rid of his campaign manager. Apparently
the campaign manager was responsible with his slogan that has
failed Dean so far: 'I will kill you.'" —Bill Maher
placed fifth in the New Hampshire primary, claimed it was a
three-way tie for third. Lost by 30 points, but is staying in.
I think he's taking up history here. He wants a chance to prove
that losing in 2000 was no fluke." —Bill Maher
"I feel great,
I'm on the new Joe Lieberman diet. No matter what I do I just
keep losing and losing and losing." —Jay Leno
"In his big
victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted
to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he
hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz
food fortune." —Jay Leno
are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because
he’s 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore — in fact, he even got
elected and it didn't help him at all." —Jay Leno
"Now it's starting
to get nasty because the latest is there's this rumor going
around that Senator Kerry has had botox shots. Does anybody
care? I think all people really care about is if Howard Dean
has gotten all his temper shots." —Jay Leno
is lucky. He's got millions of dollars to spend to make his
face look good. Poor Dennis Kucinich, he has to use a steam
iron to get rid of the wrinkles on his face. " —Jay Leno
"God bless Dennis
Kucinich. Even though he's doing terrible, he keeps running.
In fact his slogan is 'Don't look back.' Of course he doesn't
have to look back, there's nobody behind him." —Jay Leno
is fighting back. He said about his campaign shakeup ... you'll
see a leaner meaner organization. Meaner? How scarier is he
going to be? Is he going to be biting people now?" —Jay
campaign manager lost his job. You know how it happened? Right
after Howard Dean ran over him with a car." —Craig Kilborn
"General Wesley Clark has spoken out both in favor and
against the decision to go to war with Iraq. In fact this weekend
in South Carolina, he’ll be debate himself." —Jay Leno
announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states
are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and Delirium.
Yeeeeaaaah!" —Jay Leno
"The big winner
last night in New Hampshire — Senator John Kerry. He won 39
percent of the vote, which is pretty good, and begs the question,
why the long face?" —Jay Leno
in the Kerry campaign now. His poll numbers are moving, donations
are moving, endorsements are moving. The only thing not moving
is his hair." —Jay Leno
"When did our
elections become the Special Olympics? You're not all winners.
Not everyone gets a hug. You guys got crushed." —Jon Stewart,
on the exuberant losers of the New Hampshire primary
well in the exit polls. Every poll said he should exit. ...
He came in fifth. The man skipped Iowa and moved to New Hampshire.
Even Seabiscuit is going, 'Lieberman give it up.'" —Jay
"The rumor is
Lieberman may be suspending his campaign. He said he's going
to pool all his remaining resources and just play Lotto. The
odds are better." —Jay Leno
one percent of the vote. And the sad part is there's a three
percent margin of error. That means Kucinich could actually
owe votes." —Jay Leno
poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would
beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush
called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace." —Jay
is desperate to change the subject. Today he was up in a tree
explaining that sleeping in the same bed with children is charming."
and his wife were interviewed by Diane Sawyer. I think the interview
with pretty well, they only had to use the pepper spray on him
twice." —David Letterman
Lieberman insists that he is not thinking about the polls, which
is ironic because the polls show that nobody is thinking about
him." —Jay Leno
"In New Hampshire,
Dennis Kucinich went on a ten-stop bus tour and finally the
bus driver said 'Look pal it's the end of the line, you gotta
get off. You can't ride the bus all day.'" —Jay Leno
is an interesting character; doesn't he look like the guy from
the TV commercials that finally asks his doctor if Viagra is
good for him?" —Jay Leno
say that during last night's Democratic presidential debate,
nobody made any big mistakes. In a related story, nobody watched."
Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing
to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for
once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam."
victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential
race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who
lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy
from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich
white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It’s a whole
different game." —Jay Leno
"The big surprise
— John Edwards came in second. He was very eloquent; he said
we have two America's — one for the rich and one for the poor.
Today President Bush said, 'Why don't you become president of
the crappy one.'" —Jay Leno
"Did you folks
see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that
surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's
in the hands of interrogators." —David Letterman
I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard
Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate
in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear." —David
"I don't want
to scare anybody here but we just received word from police
that Howard Dean is loose and may be armed with a microphone."
is narrowing the field of potential running mates. It's down
to Mike Tyson or Bobby Knight." —Craig Kilborn
Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently
Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean's crazed speech the
other night, yelling? I see why his wife won't campaign with
him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: 'Aaghhhh.'" —Jay Leno
"Did you see
Dean's speech last night? Oh my God! Now I hear the cows in
Iowa are afraid of getting mad Dean disease. I'm no pundit but
it's always a bad sign when at the end of your speech, your
aide is shooting you with a tranquilizer gun." —Jay Leno
"Dean is a doctor
but he acts more like a postal worker!" —Jay Leno
"Did you see
Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard —
cut back on the Red Bull." —David Letterman
has been the front-runner and last night he finishes a distant
third. Here's what happened: the people of Iowa realized they
didn't want a president with the personality of a hockey dad."
came in a disappointing third place. Afterwards Dean said 'Iowa
is behind me and now I look forward to screaming at voters in
New Hampshire.'" —Conan O'Brien
finished in third — his lead lasted about as long as Britney
Spears' marriage." —Craig Kilborn
Lieberman — he skipped Iowa — he's now devoting all his energy
to loosing in New Hampshire." —Jay Leno
the Iowa caucuses, Dennis Kucinich got only one percent of the
vote. Apparently Kucinich knew he was in trouble when he saw
a sign that said, 'You must be this tall.'" —Conan O'Brien
about the big race in Iowa, the Iowa caucuses. It's amazing.
Right now, it's too close to tell who's going to get their ass
kicked by Bush." —Craig Kilborn
"Take John Kerry
— the man who fell off the radar — he may win this thing. Not
bad for war hero turned senator. Or John Edwards — polling a
surprising second -- quite a coup for the bastard son of a retarded
mill worker. Let's not forget the screamer with braces on two
legs, Dennis Kucinich. ... If he can overtake the one testicled
half man/half monkey Howard Dean, he could then easily edge
out Richard Gephardt — the pleasant freckled face congressman"
—Daily Show correspondent Rob Corrdry
"The race for
the Democratic nomination is getting tight. In Iowa, it is a
four-way dead heat — Dean, Kerry, Edwards and Gephardt. It is
so close, Fox News doesn't know who to smear." —Bill Maher
"Good news for
Democratic hopeful Joe Lieberman. According to the polls, he
just pulled ahead of mad cow disease." —Craig Kilborn
the latest polls, the race in Iowa between John Kerry, Howard
Dean and Dick Gephardt could end in a three-way tie. Political
experts say there hasn't been a three way in politics since
Bill Clinton." —Conan O'Brien
"Big news —
Carol Moseley Braun dropped out of the Democratic presidential
race after a poll revealed she was only 98 points ahead of Joe
Lieberman." —Craig Kilborn
we had Carol Moseley Braun on the program. She's explaining
to me why she should be the next president of the United States.
I get home that night, check the Internet, and she dropped out
of the race. ... My guess is this whole presidential run was
a ruse to get on this program. Gore did the same thing."
—Daily Show host Jon Stewart
said the Democratic Party has to stop treating blacks as their
mistresses. Sharpton then explained a mistress is where they
take you out to have fun, but they don't take you home. Was
that really necessary to explain what a mistress is to Democrats?"
Lieberman said his campaign is now picking up momentum, which
tends to happen when you're rolling downhill." —Jay Leno
candidate Wesley Clark called for a new probe for the war in
Iraq — he wants to know why he was initially in favor of it."
the New York Times, Dean's wife does not like the spotlight.
If she wanted to stay out of the spotlight, she should have
married Dennis Kucinich." —Jay Leno
a new survey about the Democratic candidates for president,
most of Howard Dean's support comes from urban voters, most
of Wesley Clark's support comes from rural voters. The survey
also reveals that all of Dennis Kucinich's support comes from
his family." —Conan O'Brien
"How bout those
freezing temps back east — -2 in New York, -6 in Philly, -8
in Boston — wait, I'm sorry, those are the poll numbers for
John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn