The Smiths had no
children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"
Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good!
I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in
and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith,
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes
the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for
Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every
time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot
from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd
love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus
in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith
exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The
photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park
to get the job done right. People were crowding around four
and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than
three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling.
I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began
to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling
on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed
on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up
my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!