suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid
your life of these assclowns for good...
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you
just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use
2. If they start
out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad
you asked, because no one these days seems to
care, and I have all these problems. My
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore,
my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say
they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located,
how long it has been in business, how many
people work there, how they got into this line
of work if they are married, how many kids they
have, etc. Continue asking them personal
questions or questions about their company for
as long as necessary.
4. (This works
great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my
name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You:
Wait for a second and with a real husky voice
ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in
surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy,
how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give
Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries
to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No"
over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each
one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are
trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do
it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for
the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as
sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any
friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the
company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out
blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about
9. After the
Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or
her to marry you. When they get all flustered,
tell them that you can't just give your credit
card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the
Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him
or her that you work for the same company, and
that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the
phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH
MY GOD!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the
moment and ask if he/she will give you their
home phone number so you can call him/her back.
When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers
say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering
you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree
and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang
13. Ask them to
repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them
it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you
continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food
loudly and continue with your dinner
conversation. For added effect, clanging of
cutlery and dishes is recommended.
15. Tell the
Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and
ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to
fax the information to you, and make up a
17. Tell the
Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I
should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy
Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it
out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that
they need to speak up... louder... louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you
want to write every word down.