59. Keep Honking – I’m re-loading!
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36. [On The Back Of A Biker's Vest] If You Can Read This, The
Bitch Fell Off.
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] If You Can Read This, Please
Flip Me Back Over
40. Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. [At a restaurant] Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt,
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman
Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks - God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He
53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With
54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
55. Saw It. Wanted It. Had A Fit. Got It!
56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
58. PETA - People Eating Tasty Animals
man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have
to call the general manager." Again, the man just groaned,
which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back
up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and
stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the
police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man
moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice
Sam replied "The balcony."
artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest
in his paintings currently on display. The owner decided to
have some general fun and said, "I've got good news and
bad news." "The good news is that a gentleman
inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate
in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought
all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's
the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied,
"The guy was your doctor."
new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his
hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where
do the copies come out?"
was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host,
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling
her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie
looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that
after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling
your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered,"
To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final
requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?"
asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit
me twice a week."
man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls
them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you
were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't
know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes
you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to
slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says
to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite."
Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over
did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?"
"No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that"
"WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling
you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut
up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and
shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks
over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does
he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies,
" Only when he's drinking!"