How many string bass
players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
How do you make
a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
How many bass players
does it take to change a light bulb?
At a rehearsal, the
conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are
out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist
pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all
the strings are equally tight."
The first violist
turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the
tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
Two bass players
were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they
agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch
the matinee performance from the front of house.
Joe duly took his
break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.
says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM
Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific
song about a Toreador at the same time."
There was a certain
bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately
guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to
him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have
an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here."
So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential
philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked
in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him.
So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched
football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.
Then a third man
stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender
said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about
29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table
back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with
this guy for a while."
After the bartender
left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French
bow or German bow?"
Why are orchestra
intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
Quotes and election
"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards
were so friendly to each other some political experts think
that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards
were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a
gay marriage." —Conan O'Brien
announced he's running for president after a new poll found
he'd get .5% of the vote. Nader's slogan: 'Eat my dust Kucinich.'"
"A big weekend
for the candidates. President Bush highlighted his foreign policy,
and then John Kerry emphasized his war record, and then Ralph
Nader bragged about an article he wrote on toasters that explode."
"As of midnight
Thursday night, John Kerry began receiving Secret Service protection,
a three-car detail of special agents, and a bullet proof limousine
pulled up in front of his house and stayed there all night.
See, that's what you get when you're the frontrunner. Dennis
Kucinich got a whistle and a can of mace." —Jay Leno
is a seasoned trial lawyer. You think a lawyer would make a
good president? You know I look at it this way, if we're going
to consistently have liars in the White House, why not get a
professional?" —Jay Leno
ended his campaign for president this week, but so far he has
refused to endorse another candidate. As a result Dean received
thank you notes from both John Kerry and John Edwards."
"Today was the
Wisconsin primary ... But they say it looks like Howard Dean
is doing worse than expected. Worse than expected? That must
be pretty bad since he was expected to drop out of the race.
What now, is he being deported?" —Jay Leno
said earlier today that after Wisconsin's primary, he will have
achieved the goal of a two-man race. The bad news for Edwards
is that the two men are John Kerry and George Bush." —Jay
rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman.
When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal,
a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon,
Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday,
a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an
affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added,
'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" —Conan O'Brien
"As John Kerry
sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging
about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where
he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine
physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this
right after Election Day." —Craig Kilborn
strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush.
They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for
a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll
be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." —Jay
You know you're
a nurse if...
You believe every
patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.
You would like to
meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.
You believe not all
patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.
Your sense of humor
seems to get more "warped" each year.
You know the phone
numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.
You can only tell
time with a 24 hour clock.
can seem humorous ... eventually.
When asked, "What
color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your shoes.
Every time you walk,
you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps
in your pockets.
You can tell the
pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he
You carry "spare"
meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.
You refuse to watch
ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flash
You check the caller
ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from
the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.
You've been telling
stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw
You notice that you
use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.
Every time someone
asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
You can intubate
your friends at parties.
You don't get excited
about blood loss ... unless it's your own.
You live by the motto,
"To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician
is more difficult."
You've basted your
Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.
You've told a confused
patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if
they need help.
popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
Your bladder can
expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.
When checking the
level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.
You find yourself
checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery waiting lines.
You can sleep soundly
at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting
up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.
You avoid unhealthy
looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near
you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You've sworn you're
going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.
Q: What is the difference
between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four...
Q: What is the difference between a mathematician and a philosopher?
A: The mathematician only needs paper, pencil, and a trash bin
for his work - the philosopher can do without the trash bin...
Q: What do you get
if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A high school math problem!
Q: What does the
zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!
Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: "Your brain is smaller than any >0!"
Q: What does a mathematician
present to his fiancée when he wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!
Q: Why do you rarely
find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't
need the sun!
Q: Why do mathematicians,
after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant, always insist on taking
the leftovers home?
A: Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!
Q: What do you get if you divide the cirucmference of a jack-o-lantern
by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!
Bill looks at Al,
chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill
out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff
shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills
out the window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her
perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could
throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred
people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her
eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all
of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
On July 8, 1947,
witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed
on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they
say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That clears up a
lot of things.
Gore: My gosh, it
Gore: This nightmare
I had--I dreamed I was running against Dan Quayle.
Aide: What's so terrible
about that? Seems to me it'd be a slam dunk for you.
Gore: You don't understand.
I was in this debate--and the first thing they ask ed was, "Which
of you is Al and which of you is Dan?"
Q: What's the difference
between Al Gore and a slab of formica?
A: Absolutely nothing.
by the White House show that the Democratic National Committee
asked Al Gore to make 140 calls to campaign donors, but he only
connected on 56 of them. The other 84 hung up because he sounds
just like a dial tone.
Question: What do
you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.
Question: What is
a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first
Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?"
If you put two philosophers
in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Eddy
Zemach, in which case you get seven opinions.
is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and
Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of
coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm
sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.
Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.
Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "
Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation
Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage
Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their moustache.
MEMO FROM ACCOUNTING
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have
been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous
Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know
exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.
Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job
code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision
what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin
using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any
difficulties you encounter.
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker
is Not Present
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5503 Scratching Yourself
5510 Feeling Bored
5511 Feeling Horny
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering from Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
6201 Stealing Company Goods
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
to Sell Stolen Company Goods
6205 Hiding from Boss
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6211 Updating Resume
6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
6213 Out of Office on Interview
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They
6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Transcendental Meditation
6969 Beating off in Broom Closet
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
8000 Recreational Drug Use
8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
8002 Liquid Lunch
8100 Reading e-mail
8102 Laughing while reading e-mail
you are addicted to coffee if ...
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your
You have to watch
videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're
standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture
of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your
third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open
when you sneeze.
You chew on other
The nurse needs a
scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery
that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty
words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start
your car without cables.
You don't sweat,
You walk twenty miles
on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap
candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature
city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy
just watching you.
Instant coffee takes
You channel surf
faster without a remote.
You have a picture
of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the
You short out motion
You don't even wait
for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch
registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog
chase its tail.
You soak your dentures
in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit
contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding
ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door
before people knock.
You haven't blinked
since the last lunar eclipse.
MAY NEED A NEW PSYCHIC IF...
* He keeps shaking
black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."
* Every time you
draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"
* Looks suspiciously
like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.
* His idea of an
"out of body experience" involves whipped cream and
* His spoon bending
requires two pliers.
* Sign in window:
"As Seen on '60 Minutes."
* During card-reading,
asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."
* Insists that your
astrological sign is "The Armadillo."
* Psychics Magazine
rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.
* Repeatedly attempts
to read your palm with his genitalia.
* Shakes her crystal
ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.
Audrey be doing this!
Augusta go home now!
Aunt Lou who?
Aunt Lou do you think you are!
Asia you going to let me in then!
What would you get if you crossed the first signer of the Declaration
of Independence with a rooster?
quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
"I gotta get a softer saddle!"
protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?
The Boston Flea Party!
happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!
did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally,
the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only
two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why
did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly
replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden
in my shoe!"
A couple was having
a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely
in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite
off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money,
we wouldn't be here at all!" The wife replied, "My
dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be
in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would
there be any "we" in the first place."
What do you get if
you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person.
I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire?
Sure. Here you are.
Thanks - but half the pages are missing.
What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?
Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.
Where do bees keep their money?
In a honey box.
Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open?
She'd read there was going to be some change in the weather.
Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went
to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity," said the sales
Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate.
You give the money to charity."
What happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was money in the kitty.
How can a can you double your money?
By folding it in half.
Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked
for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got
one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."
would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son.
Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out
hate paying my income tax.
You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile?
I'd like to but they insist on money!
The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be
everlastingly in your debt.
Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?
No! Tell me about
it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?
No! Tell me about
it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.
the Cedar Rapids Chamber of Commerce meeting the treasurer reported
a deficit of two hundred dollars.
One of the chamber
members stood up and said,
"I vote that
we donate half of it to the Red Cross and then give the other
fifty dollars to the Salvation Army."
top ten reasons why the television is better than the World
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change
9. When was the last
time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error
8. There are fewer
grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never
argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control
has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst
TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction"
4. Seinfeld never
slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't
find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes
don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf
the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in
state trooper pulls over a blonde on a lonely back road and
says, "Ma'am, is there a reason why you're weaving all
over the road?"
The woman replied,
"Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an
accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of
me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in
front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another
tree in front of me!"
The officer reached
through the side window to the rear view mirror, and explained,
"Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
A salesman is driving
toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing
for a ride on the side of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the
Indian gets in.
After a bit of small
talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's
in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.
The driver says,
"It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Indian is silent
for a moment then says, "Good trade."
A new sales assistant
was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the
sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were
passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer
asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in.
Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to
water your lawn?
Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.
Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?
Customer : Um, okay.
Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn
mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.
Customer : I'll take one of those too.
After the customer
left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?"
he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell
more than what the customer originally came in for."
Impressed, the assistant
headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work.
Soon, a man strolled in.
Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.
Sales assistant: Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower
Man: Why would I want to do that?
Sales assistant: Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so
you might as well mow the lawn.
A man with a winking
problem is applying for a position as a sales representative
for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and
says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best
schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience
is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,
and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential
customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
So the applicant
reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts
of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored
condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this
is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees
womanizing all over the country!"
What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
how do you explain all these condoms?"
he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking,
and asked for aspirin?"
An elderly couple
had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to
take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things
A few days after
the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor
about how much the class helped him.
"What was the
name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower,
you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly
thorns, what's that flower's name?"
asked the neighbor.
it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house
and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor
we took the memory class from?"
geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so, then
you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning
1) You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building
stone they use rather than their food.
2) You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of
geology, as in:
"What did you think of that Superbowl game last night?"
"I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it?
Geological Society of America?"
3) The only thing you notice about attractive members of the
opposite sex is the stone in their jewelry.
4) You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and
continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your
5) You like rock music only because it's called "rock"
6) You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream
to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel.
7) You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see
if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same
type of rock as the side you're parked on.
8) You name your children after rocks and minerals.
9) You're not sure if you have children.
10) You view non-geologists as subhuman.
There once was a man from Peru
Who had a lot of growing up to do,
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
There once was a
man from York
who picked his nose with a fork
when it got stuck
he cried "oh this just sucks"
and walked around looking like a dork.
There was a farting contest coming to town
and people came from miles around
the first fart was extremely loud
the second fart pleased the crowd
the third fart, the judges cried
"He shit his pants, he's disqualified!"
Ride Damage Survey
This practical joke
is best done to people who are truly anal about their car, truck,
whatever. The type that parks their car 20 hectares away from
the mall to avoid it getting touched by human kind. When your
buddy leaves the car, get your friend to place a note on the
windshield that reads "Sorry, about the scratch. We will
take car of any damage." and add a fake phone number. Then
as you come out with your buddy from the mall, and they read
the note, let the search for the non-existent scratch begin.
You can help by point out "potential" scratches, watching
him or her run over to see, only to realize it's just dirt.
This one can done from afar so that you can have practical fun
watching the owner of the survey for damage rather than you
helping out, can be even more hilarious.
Things to Ponder:
1. Is there another word for synonym?
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where
all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's
the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets
aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking
and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill
himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Q. Where does bad
light end up?
A. In prism.
Q. What happens when
you cut a prism in half?
A. All the prismers escape.
Q. How do you see
through pressurized glass?
A. Press your eyes against it! (Hint: it's all in the delivery)
Q. Why did Mr Ohm
marry Mrs Ohm?
A. Because he couldn't resistor.
Q. How do you know if you're being approached by the Quantum
A. They make you an offer you can't understand.
Q. ‘What do Australian
mathematical physicists drink?'
A. 'Castlemaine d/dx 2x squared +c' of course.
Q. What's an ohm?
A. It's where a watt lives.
Q. Did you hear about
how quick the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear
about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the
bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference
between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find
a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get
virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers
walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star
Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
A man bought a new
Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the
interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down,
the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and
he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph,
he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and
opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality
of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought
and pulled over.
The cop came up to
him, took his license without a word and examined it and the
"It's been a
long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the
13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration
or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse
for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about
it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran
off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice
weekend," said the officer.
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know
if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became
pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown.
Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most
common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most
reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q. The more pregnant
I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five
months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference
between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good
Q. How long is the
average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth
instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure.
Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
Q. When is the best
time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason
I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to
Q. What does it mean
when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire
throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything
I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best
place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.
The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them
that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA. Little
Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!" Officer
says "Yes." Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep
him when you took his picture.
A man went to the
Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken
into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance
in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!"
said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches
the biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is
the fishing around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't
make him truthful.
Best Things to
say if Caught Sleeping At Your Office Desk...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that
time management course you sent me."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably
got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out
a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
Q: How many men does
it take to make popcorn?
A: Four, one to hold the pot, and three to act macho and shake
Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off of his head.
Q. How are men like parking spaces?
A. The good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped
Hal Jalikakick (How'd ya like a kick)
Hammond Eggs (Ham and Eggs)
Hank E. Panky (Hanky Panky)
Harmon Ikka (Harmonica)
Harris Mint (Harassment)
Harrison Fire (Hair is on Fire)
Harry Balzac (Hairy Ball Sack)
Harry Weiner (Hairy Wiener)
Hayden Seek (Hide & Seek)
Haywood Jablowme (Hey, Would You Blow Me?)
Haywood Jashootmee (Hey Would You Shoot Me?)
Hein Noon (High Noon)
Helen Back (Hell and Back)
Helena Hanbaskett (Hell In A Hand Basket)
Henador Titzhoff (He Gnawed Her Tits Off)
Herbie Hind (Her Behind)
Herb E. Side (Herbiside)
Herbie Voor (Herbivore)
Holden Mcgroin (Holding My Groin)
Holly Dayin (Holiday Inn)
Holly Wood (Hollywood)
Homan Provement (Home Improvent)
Homer Sexual (Homosexual)
Howard I. No (How Would I Know?)
Howe D. Pardner (Howdy Partner)
Hu Flung Pu (Who Flung Poo?)
Huang Annsaw (Wrong Answer)
Hugh Beeotch (You Bitch)
Hugh deMann (You Da Man!)
Hugh G. Rection (Huge Erection)
Hugh Jass (Huge Ass)
Hugh Mungous (Humungous)
Hugo First (You Go First)
Hy Gene (Hygiene)
Ida Whana (I Don't Want to)
Igor Beaver (Eager Beaver)
Ilene Dover (I Leaned Over)
Ima B. Leever (I'm A Believer)
I.P. Freehly (I Pee Freely)
Ira Fuse (I Refuse)
I. Ron Stomach (Iron Stomach)
Ivana Humpalot (I Want to Hump A Lot)
Ivan Itchinanus (I Hate an Itching Anus)
Ivana Kutchukokoff (I Wanna Cut Your Cock Off)
Ivana Tinkle ( I Want to Tinkle)
Izzy Backyet (Is He Back Yet?)
Izzy Cumming (Is He Cumming)
Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
is not looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they
go flying by.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You
don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You
start to look like Santa Claus.
Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet.
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
She Who MUST be obeyed
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The
man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir,
if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the general
manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the
usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search
of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and
stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly
to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right
buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes,"
he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple,"
she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into
the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest
in his paintings currently on display. The owner decided to have
some general fun and said, "I've got good news and bad news."
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work
and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.
When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's
the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied,
"The guy was your doctor."
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor
asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some
birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse
me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could
you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world
do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange
juice and I sleep better at night."
The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his
wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the
phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."
CLEVER BUMPER STICKERS
How Many Roads Must
a Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
I don't question
your existence - GOD
Next time you think
If God didn't want us
to eat animals why did he make them out of meat?
...try walking on water
If You Can Read This,
I've Lost My Trailer.
This Would Be Really
Funny If It Weren't Happening to Me
as a Responsible Adult
The Face Is Familiar
But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Honk If Anything
Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. E.T. phoned home.
TOP TEN REJECTED VALENTINES DAY CARDS
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you'd be my ho.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Q. What does 6.9
A. It's a 69 interrupted by a period.
Your momma's so dumb
she got locked in a supermarket and starved to death.
Q. What's the difference
between a bartender and a toilet?
A. A toilet only deals with one asshole at a time.
A man walks into
a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts
on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed
by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack
of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming
and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to
the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts
are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!
An artist asked the
gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings
currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news,"
the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired
about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value
after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen
of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's
the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied,
"The guy was your doctor."
In order to assure
the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees,
it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We
are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on
the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed
at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially
skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental
Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail
to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee
Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).
Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they
do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T
If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our Basic
Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full
of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply
for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head
Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)
Boss in General
An elderly couple
had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to
take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things
by association. A few days after the class, the old man was
outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped
him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked
the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man
pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that
smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that
flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned
toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name
of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
Toward the end of
our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR
course. The classes used the well-known mannequin victim, Resuscitate-Annie,
to practice. Typical of most models, this Resuscitate-Annie
was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case. The
class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of
my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you
all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth
to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor
and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
A farmer hires a
college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end
of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done
such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party
for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks
a lot man." So the farmer says, "Well you better be
able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn'
going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much
as anyone else so I should do just fine." Farmer "There
is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready."
College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I
think I am in pretty good shape." Farmer says, "Well,
did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy
"Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been
dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?"
Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and
Morris asks his son,
now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I
don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh
dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no
Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny'
speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth
fairy' speech!?" "If you're going to tell me now that
grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live
A Hillbilly family's
only son had saved up money to go to college and after about
3 years he came back home. They were sitting around the dinner
table when the dad said, ''Well son, you done gone to college
so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer'
us?'' ''Ok, Pa'', the son said then, ''Pi R squared.'' After
a moment the Dad said, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'!
Pie are round, cornbread are square.''
The middle aged man
was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only
6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected
during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that
he should get his "house in order" , make sure his
Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place
for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might
be left of his life, to the fullest. "What will you do
for the last six months?" asked the Doctor. His patient
thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go
and live with my Mother-in-law". Surprised by the answer,
the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you
want to live with your Mother-in-law?" "Because it'll
be the longest six months of my Life!"
The blind man was
out walking with his Seeing Eye dog when suddenly the animal
paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched
out his hand and patted the dog's head. Having watched what
happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting him?
That dog just peed on your leg!" "I know," said
the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can
kick his butt."
A lawyer defending
a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My
client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a
few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to
see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed
by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied.
"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one
year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached
his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A sales rep, an administration
clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an
antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first!
Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in
the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!"
says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina
coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK,
you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager
says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
A man escaped jail
by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When
finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool
playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So
what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
In a long line of
people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging
the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man turned
and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see I'm a chiropractor
and I could just see that you were tense, so I had to massage
your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the
guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me fucking the guy
in front of me?"
A man is walking
down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up,
pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Thank
you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you
three wishes." The man says "Great! I always dreamed
of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion
dollars in a Swiss bank account." Poof! There is a flash
of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in
his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari
right here." Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright
red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues,
"Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Poof!
There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
Clem pulled over
the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first
had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember
the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so
much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,"
Clem recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother
was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God!
What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her
An escaped convict,
imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his
life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house
and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife
on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared
he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the
husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair
in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw him kissing you on your neck and then he left
in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he
wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend
you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad.
Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife
says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're
right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing
my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're
really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong and I love you, too."
A beautiful, voluptuous
woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this
woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right
away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins
to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins
to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes,"
says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins
to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says.
"You're getting herpes."
One night a man and
a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start
talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After
about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about
if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just
be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So
they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes
in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to
go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.
Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour
or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a
surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?"
The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up
before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says
the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?"
"Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How
did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't
feel a thing."
The Dean of Women
at an exclusive girls` school was lecturing her students on
sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times
for young people. In moments of temptation," she said,
"ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure
worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back
of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it
last an hour?"
A blonde suspects
her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a
gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well,
the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out
the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend
yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde
replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
Two engineering students
were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you
get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well,
I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly,
Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Two guys rob a store,
they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop
cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping
they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes
and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous. A
cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted".
As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in
shame... "Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They
One day an at home
wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a
guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies,
"No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you
So they sit down
and after a while of silence the friend says "You know
Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give
you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about
it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks!
She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He
promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was
so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another
100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the
offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not?
So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to
cop a look.
A while later Tony
arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You
know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about
it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200
bucks he owes me?"
George W. Bush told
Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid jokes people
make about me." Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes
can't hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people.
In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll show you what
Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver,
"Please take me to 261 M street to see if I'm home, "
Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney
then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh,
I guess I'm not there! Take us back to where we started, please."
The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned
over and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots
wherever you go! Don't worry about their opinions!"
Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then
he winked and whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked
us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized
you could have called instead!
A man walked into
a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared
on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television
and jokes, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever
seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up,
walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as
the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television.
"She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer
at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to
him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the
man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush
country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse
One week, an Amish
boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy
asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father
[never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed
a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them
into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls
light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman
stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
This man, his wife
and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country
one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The
husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along.
While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies
while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple
continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon
the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite
rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road,
and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing
on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following
the man and his wife.
The police officer
switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled
over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for?
Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I
pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other
drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced
out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at
risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License
and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches'
name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was
referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want
her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for
"Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite
your dog, Maisy, for Littering!