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Lifetime Jokes

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.  I mean, life is tough.  It takes a lot of your time.  What do you get at the end of it? A death.  What is that, a bonus?  I think the cycle is all backwards.  You should die first.  Get it out of the way.  Then live in an old age home.   You get kicked out when you're too young.  You get a gold watch and you go to work.  You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.  You do drugs and alcohol.  You party.  You get ready for High School.  You go to grade school and become a kid.  You play.  You have no responsibilities.  You become a baby.  You go into the womb.  You spend your last nine months finish off as an orgasm.


My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring.

but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"

The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that........
When I was 20............... I was curious about it.
When I was 30............... I enjoyed it.
When I was 40............... I asked for it.
When I was 50............... I paid for it.
When I was 60............... I prayed for it.
When I was 70............... I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!"