A best man's speech should be like a
mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long
enough to cover the bare essentials.
A classified ad which read "Wife
Wanted" received hundreds of responses, all from men
saying "You can have mine."
A gentleman is one who never
swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband expects his wife to be
perfect... and to understand why he's not.
A husband is living proof that a
wife can take a joke.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I
don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your
mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man needs a mistress, just to
break the monogamy.
A perfect wife is one who helps
the husband with the dishes.
A son asked his father, "Daddy,
how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied,
"I don't know son. I'm still paying for it."
A successful man is one who makes
more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman
is one who can find such a man.
A toast to the newlyweds: May your
only ups and downs be between the sheets.
A wedding ring is like a
tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
A woman was telling her friend,
"It is I who made my husband a millionaire." The friend
asked, "And what was he before you married him?" The
woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."
After a quarrel, a wife said to
her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married
you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love
and didn't notice."
Always talk to your wife while
you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
As she hears the wedding march,
three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle,
altar, hymn. [I'll alter him!]
Bachelor: A guy who believes in
life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
Before marriage, a man yearns for
the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes
Before we got married, I caught
her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Confucius say man who sink into
woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Eighty percent of married men
cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Honeymoon: A short period of
doting between dating and debting.
I had some words with my wife and
she had some paragraphs with me.
I married Miss Right. I just
didn't know her first name was Always.
I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married... and then it was too late.
I recently read that love is
entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife
treats me like toxic waste.
I was engaged myself once, to a
contortionist. But she broke it off.
I was married by a judge. I should
have asked for a jury.
I'm an excellent housekeeper.
Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
If you want your spouse to listen
and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer
were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to
lunch or to a movie?
In marriage, the bride gets a
shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
It doesn't matter how often a
husband changes his job; he still ends up with the same
It's a give-and-take marriage. He
gives and she takes.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure
her husband is away first.
Man is incomplete until he is
married. After that he is finished.
Man: Rules the roost. Woman: Rules
Marriage is a great institution;
but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is an institution in
which the man loses his Bachelor's degree and the woman
gets her Master's.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is
Marriage is grand... and divorce
is about 10 grand.
Marriage is not a word. It is a
sentence (a life sentence!).
Marriage is the mourning after the
Marriage is the only sport in
which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage is when a man and woman
become as one; the trouble starts when they try to
decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of
course, so does insanity.
Marry not a tennis player, for
love means nothing to them.
Mistress: Something between a
mister and a mattress.
My darling wife was always glum. I
drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she
would stay, in better spirits night and day.
My wife ran off with my best
friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!
My wife submits and I obey; she
always lets me have her way.
My wife's cooking is so bad that
we pray after we eat.
She offered her honor, he honored
her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or
Some mornings I wake up grouchy...
and some mornings I just let her sleep.
Thanks preacher for allowing me to
have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!
The honeymoon is over when the
husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and
the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
The only thing that holds a
marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to
keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife
The three stages of sex in
marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly
They say that when a man holds a
woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage
it is self-defense.
When a man opens the door of his
car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either
the car is new or the wife.
Why did the polygamist cross the
aisle? To get to the other bride.
Wife says, "Honey, I've had enough
of worse; let's try better for a while!"