One of my husband's duties as a novice drill
instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to
escort new recruits to the mess hall. After
everyone had made it through the chow line,
he sat them down and told them, "There are
three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat
up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had
everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the
first rule?" Much to the amusement of the
other instructors, 60 privates yelled in
unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"
As the family gathered for a big dinner
together, the youngest son announced that he
had just signed up at an army recruiter's
office. There were audible gasps around the
table, then some laughter, as his older
brothers shared their disbelief that he
could handle this new situation. "Oh, come
on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't
really do that, did you?" "You would never
get through basic training," scoffed
another. The new recruit looked to his
mother for help, but she was just gazing at
him. When she finally spoke, she simply
asked, "Do you really plan to make your own
bed every morning?"
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of
his cadets, and as he was walking away, he
turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when
I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the
Army I'd never stand in another line!"
As a member of the organization that
installs computer systems aboard Navy ships,
I am mindful of how important the off-ship
e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale,
especially when some vessels are deployed
for up to six months. One day while shopping
at the base commissary, I noticed another
crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a
frazzled mother with two active children,
and as I watched, she stalked over to where
her young son had perched himself on the
rail of the freezer case. "If you don't get
off there right now," she commanded, "I'm
going to e-mail your father!"
This is one of the best comeback lines of
all time. It is a portion Of National Public
Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Marine Corps General
Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy
Scout Troop visiting his military
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald,
what things are you going to teach these
young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them
climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit
irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll
be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that
this is a terribly dangerous activity to be
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will
be teaching them proper rifle discipline
before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping
them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to
be a prostitute, but you're not one, are
The radio went silent and the interview
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction
center, where he advised new recruits about
their government benefits, especially their
GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain
Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a
staggeringly high success-rate, selling
insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he
advised. Rather than ask about this, the
Captain stood in the back of the room and
listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones
explained the basics of the GI Insurance to
the new recruits, and then said: "If you
have GI Insurance and go into battle and are
killed, the government has to pay $200,000
to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI
insurance, and you go into battle and get
killed, the government only has to pay a
maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which
group do you think they are going to send
into battle first?"
On some air bases the Air Force is on one
side of the field and civilian aircraft use
the other side of the field, with the
control tower in the middle. One day the
tower received a call from an aircraft
asking, "What time is it?" The tower
responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft
replied, "What difference does it make?" The
tower replied, "It makes a lot of
difference. If it is an American Airlines
flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air
Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a
Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an
Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and
the little hand is on the 3. If it is a
Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday
The cavalryman was galloping down the road,
rushing to catch up with his regiment.
Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him
to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a
broken leg, terrified of the approaching
enemy, the soldier called out: "All you
saints in heaven, help me get up on my
horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he
leaped onto the horse's back and fell off
the other side. Once again on the ground, he
called to the heavens: "All right, just half
of you this time!"
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and
Marines bicker amongst themselves is that
they don't speak the same language. For
instance, Take the simple phrase "secure the
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock
The Marines will kill everybody inside and
set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease
with an option to buy.
A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about
the heroic exploits of their ancestors one
afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great
grandfather, at age 13," one declared
proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with
Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family,"
confessed vet number three, "but if my great
grandfather was living today he'd be the
most famous man in the world." "Really?
What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was
on his first assignment, and it was guard
duty. A General stepped out taking his dog
for a walk. The nervous young Private
snapped to attention, made a perfect
salute, and snapped out, "Sir, Good Evening,
The General, out for some relaxation,
returned the salute and said "Good evening
soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it
wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't
going to disagree with the General, so the
he saluted again and replied, "Sir, Yes
Sir!" The General continued, "You know
there's something about a stormy night that
I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't
you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but
then the private was just a private, and
responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General,
pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden
Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet
again, and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General
continued "I got this dog for my wife." The
Private simply said, "Good trade, Sir!"
While practicing auto-rotations during a
military night training exercise, a Huey
Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor.
The landing is so hard it breaks off the
tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately
remains upright on its skids, sliding down
the runway, doing 360s. As the Cobra slides
past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower
of sparks, this radio exchange takes place:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done
A general noticed one of his soldiers
behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up
any piece of paper he found, frown and say,
"That's not it" and put it down again. This
went on for some time, until the general
arranged to have the soldier psychologically
tested. The psychologist concluded that the
soldier was deranged, and wrote out his
discharge from the army. The soldier picked
it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the
sergeant saw that one of them was marching
out of step. Walking up next to the man as
they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you
know they are all out of step except you?"
"What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I
said -- they are all out of step except
you!" thundered the sergeant. The recruit
replied, "Well, sarge, you're in charge --
you tell them!"
General Baldwin had barely arrived in the
forward area when a sniper's bullet removed
a button from his shirt.
He threw himself to the ground in terror.
The men stood around with the greatest
unconcern. The general yelled at a passing
sergeant. "Hey, isn't somebody going to kill
that damned sniper?" The sergeant looked
down at the general and replied:
"I guess not, general. We're scared that if
we kill him the enemy will replace him with
somebody who really knows how to shoot."