How many string
bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
How do you make
a double bass sound in tune?
Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
How many bass players
does it take to change a light bulb?
At a rehearsal, the
conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are
out of tune. Check it, please!"
The first bassist
pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all
the strings are equally tight."
The first violist
turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the
tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
Two bass players
were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they
agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch
the matinee performance from the front of house.
Joe duly took his
break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.
says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM
Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific
song about a Toreador at the same time."
There was a certain
bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately
guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to
him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have
an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here."
So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential
philosophy and had a great time.
A second man walked
in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him.
So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched
football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.
Then a third man
stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender
said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about
29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table
back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with
this guy for a while."
After the bartender
left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French
bow or German bow?"
Why are orchestra
intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
What do you call
someone who hangs out with musicians?
What did the drummer
get on his IQ test?
How do you know
when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
How do you get a
drummer to play an accelerando?
Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Why do bands have
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about
the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
In New York City,
an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing
himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking
agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers
in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over
there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's
the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes
that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and
borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days
to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and
the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.
Ed arrived in Baghdad
and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys
in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse,
he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes
that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he
was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's
face brightened into a huge smile.
in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market
near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."
gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"
worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.
Ed arrived in the
market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to
the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had
never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped
on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight.
Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.
shouted Ed. "What are we playing?"
Faisal shot him a
look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give
me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."