Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you
don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the
captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes
of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much
men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay,
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without
that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft
drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and
let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing
a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label.
And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures
out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger
the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf
grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,"
ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter,"
verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed
to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
Paper? plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called
to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in
it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of
your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli."
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to
God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the
seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive
Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was
just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?
Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry
for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone
in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the
other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations
from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people
buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the middle class version
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like
I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't
want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
know in months. "27 Months." "He's two,"
will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the