A Teenager is...
A person who can't
remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher
who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives
his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows
from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear
a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother
calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate
the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will
spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours
for her driver's license.
A youngster who is
well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who
has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too
tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of
two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who
loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always
late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never
falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty
who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep
until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker
who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
A man speaks frantically
into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her
first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!"
the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
On a flight to Florida,
I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars
I conduct as an educational psychologist.
The elderly woman
sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami
after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren
and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired
what I did for a living.
I told her, fully
expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back,
picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you
want to know, just ask me."
There was a woman
who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due,
she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away
on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she
gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name
her children was her brother.
When the mother came
out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother
had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't
a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something
absurd or stupid.
When she saw her
brother she asked him about the twins.
He said, "The
first one was a girl."
The mother: "What
did you name her?!?"
The Mom: "Oh,
wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"
second one was a boy."
The Mom: "Oh,
and what did you name him?"
Are You Ready to
Mess Test: Smear
peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there
Toy Test: Obtain
a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you
may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend
spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk
to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake
a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them
with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them
in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain
one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain
a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from
the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios)
into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare
by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz
and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set
your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing
every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and
sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up
and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food
store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to
be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go
home and read it quietly for the last time.
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on
how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow
their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be
the last time you will have all the answers.