A Marine was coming home from the
Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more
traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all
of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman
coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was
wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation.
Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have
the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his
family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in
gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop
exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel
sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking
for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have
so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33
gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we
speak!"
One day about a month ago, Bill
Clinton was looking for a call girl. He found three such
ladies in a local lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a
redhead. To the blonde he said , "I am the president of
the united states. How much would it cost me to spend
some time with you?" The blonde replied, "Two hundred
dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question ,
and she replied, "One hundred dollars. "He then asked
the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr.
President , if you can raise my skirt as high as my
taxes.... Get my panties as low as my wages...get that
thing of yours as hard as the times... Keep it high as
the gas prices...keep me warmer than my
apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in
public, then believe me Mr. President , it ain't gonna
cost you a cent."
At a meeting for peace
negotiations Bill Clinton and Sadamm Hussein were in
Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he
noticed Saddamm with three buttons on the arm of his
chair. after a few minutes Sadamm pressed the first
button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square
in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to
ignore this and continued talking until sadamm pressed
the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill
Bill in the chin. Sadamm started laughing. But again
Bill ignored this and continued . A minute later Bill
saw Sadamm press the third button and he jumped in the
air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls.
Bill had decided he had enough of this and when back
home.
Three weeks later the peace
negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as
Sadamm sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill
had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little
while after they started talking Bill pressed the first
button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They
continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button,
Sadamm moved but again nothing happened. Sadamm was
getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even
harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third
button and stared pissing himself but like the others
nothing happened. Sadamm had enough of this, stood up
and said "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" , to
which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"
The first ladies of UK, Russia and
France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton.
The subject of discussion was the penis of their
respective spouse. The first lady of UK says, "It is
like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the
room" The lady from Russia says, "It is like an army
officer- you do not know where he will attack from-
front or back.." The French lady says, "It is like the
screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it
drops down..." Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumour...
it moves from one mouth to another..."
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill
Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air
and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come
down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they
realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to
see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the
Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask
the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's
Dorothy?"
Clinton walks out into his garden
one day and in the snow he says "bastard" written in
piss. He is so outraged he goes into the oval office and
calls the CIA and FBI to tell them to find out who did
this horrible thing to his garden. So they go out and
investigate and when they return they say "Well Bill,
we've got bad news and we've got worse news, which one
would you like to hear first?" And Bill says, "What's
the bad news?" The agent replies, "It was Al Gore."
Aghast Bill yells, "That dirty no good son of a
bitch!!!!! What's the worse news?" So the agent says,
"It was Hillary's handwriting..."
The Clinton's and the Gores are
traveling aboard Air Force One. Bill Clinton looks out
the window and says, "You know, I bet I could drop a
$10,000 bill out the window and make one person very
happy!" Al Gore comments, "Yes, but I could drop ten
$1000 bills out the window, and make ten people very
happy." Hillary Clinton says, "True, but I could drop
one hundred $100 bills out the window, and make one
hundred people very happy. Chelsea responds, "Big deal!
I could drop all of you out the window, and make the
whole country happy!"
Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and
Bill Clinton are on the titanic. When it starts to sink
Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!"
Nixon: "Screw the women and children" Clinton: "Do we
have time?"
Jerry Falwell was seated next to
President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane
was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which
was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also
like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am,
I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let
liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was
a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."
Hillary went into a pet shop and
found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot
talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her.
"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are
$500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her,
"not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent
many years in a whorehouse, and his language is
terrible."
"Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the
manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the
White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the
colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side,
looked her straight in the eye, and said, "New house,
new madam." Hillary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the
bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At
first they were offended, but when Hilary explained
about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him.
A few minutes later, the president entered the living
quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said,
"Hi, Bill."
Bill Clinton and Al Gore were
taking a shower at the gym after a strenuous exercise.
Bill looked down at Al's dick and was shocked at how big
it was. "My GOD, Al, that thing is HUGE! How'd you get
it that big?" Bill asked in awe. "Well, every night, I
whack it three times against the bedpost," he answered
proudly. "Well, I'll have to try that," Bill said. So
that night, when Bill got home, Hilary was already in
bed, half asleep. Bill took out his dick and thumped
three times against the bed-post. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Suddenly, Hilary sat bolt upright in bed. "Al, is that
you?" she asked.
Al Gore is out
jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner
with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says,
"What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens,
they're brand new kittens." Al Gore laughs and says,
"What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," the child
says. "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off. A
couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy
Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just
ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and
they both jog over to the boy with the box. Al says,
"Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those
little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind
of kittens they are." The boy replies, "They're
Republicans."
"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you
said they were Democrats. What's up?" "Well," the kid
says, "Their eyes are open now."
The Clintons and the Gores were
having dinner one evening and the topic of conversation
got around to sex and partners. They all agreed they
would swap partners for the night. About 2:00 o'clock
the next morning, Bill got up on one elbow in bed and
said " Al, what do you suppose the women are doing right
now?"
A little boy goes to his dad and
asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me
capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the
money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to
take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And
your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think
about that and see if that makes sense." So the little
boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so
he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has
severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to
his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not
wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and
sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and
goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says
to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of
politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in
your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is
screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound
asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is
in deep shit."
A Congressman was once asked about
his attitude toward whiskey... "If you mean the demon
drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body,
desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm
against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas
cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable
potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to
comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This
is my position, and I will not compromise!"
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