man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man
realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am
for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting
to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am,
and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to
go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece
of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake
Seen in my local paper's "readers
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of encyclopaedia
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 pounds or best offer.
Reason for sale:-
No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind
the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his
age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet
at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed
to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home
and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your
shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home,
the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the
social security office. She says, "You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
A mild-mannered man
was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a
said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book
on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the
book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into
the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger
in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want
you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then,
after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress
me and comb my hair?"
director," said his wife.
Great Advice to
Pass on to Your Daughters
1. Don't imagine
you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do
if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a
man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your
man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger
men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the
same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell
7. Definition of
a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
8. Women don't make
fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get
a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind,
but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a
committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children
of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical
times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what
sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense
of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that
you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men
are created equal...
On their 40th wedding
anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked
to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage
of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom,
just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years
with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well,
I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches
you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness
--and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed
if you'd stayed single."