Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.
Husband says; "When
I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man
When I was young I
used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God
doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for
A woman walks up to a
guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your
eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes
"I told my wife that
a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with
age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."
Innkeeper: The room is $15. a
night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
In the first year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the
second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In
the third year, they both speak and the neighbors
Two woman were
talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he
acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must
have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend
sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."
Love thy neighbor all
through the day... but first make sure her husband's
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like
mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Wife: Give me some
money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!
What's the best date
to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your
balls don't get grass-stained.
I wonder what fish
smelled like before women went swimming?
It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to
get knocked up.
Boy: Do you like
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!
What four animals
does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed,
a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a
jackass to pay for it all.
A guy asks his waiter
how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that
there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em
they're gonna die...
HUSBAND: Shall we try
a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Two drunks were
walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this
hand rail is bloody low down"
Want to hear two
short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.
A lady says to the
psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He
says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is
eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all
Harry's wife says,
"Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of
the house?" He says, "No, our house isn't blue."
Two Muffins were
baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and
says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin
says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"
A reporter was
interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply
replied, "No peer pressure."
There was a man who
entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the
puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.