SMART ASS ANSWERS
according to Reader's Digest:
Smart Ass Answer
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without
missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket
not your stub."
Smart Ass Answer
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Smart Ass Answer
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all
day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I
got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped
laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up
that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it,
the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the
bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car
comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck,
huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering
this bridge and ran out of gas."
Smart Ass Answer
A college teacher
reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's
it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the
back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly
says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty
girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new
dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per
yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's
fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then
teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed
to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa
will pay the bill."
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor,
and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban
neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley
and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a
woman watched the two men from her kitchen window as they checked
her gas meter.
When they had finished the meter check, the senior supervisor
challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to the
truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
The co-worker accepted the challenge. As they approached the
truck in full stride, the two men realized that the lady from
the kitchen window was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped in their tracks and asked the woman why she was
running behind them.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "I'm not stupid... when
I see two gas men running that fast, I figure I'd better run
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law
in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy
alone. His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay to the left!" After several more
orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his
wife, "Who's driving this car - you
or your mother?"
An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by
firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards
asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last
meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard
asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to
do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The
following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing
squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you
go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment,
then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I
would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning
to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and
agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started,
"One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear
for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as
he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before
the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the
rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next
"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally
irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty
dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young
man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's
all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied,
"I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for
two more words."
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the
head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like
one under-cooked egg so that it's runny, and one over-cooked
egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled
bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight
from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot
of very weak, lukewarm coffee." "That's a complicated
order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might
be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It
can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking
for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You
start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After
the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many
sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or
30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says,
"$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What
the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold
him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he
was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him
he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down
to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and
you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he
came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor,"
he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you
to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert,
why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my
mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything
to make her think she's welcome."
Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers
entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they
walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their
valuables in. Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the
friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By
the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you."
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented
a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting
there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear
busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend
he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and
made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor,
"Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come
to install the phone!"
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball
fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed
baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box
score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They
even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and
tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching
the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He
died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the
sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?"
Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell
me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Which do you want to hear first?"
Earl excitedly replies, "Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven,
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found
by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her
purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost
my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last
time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster
was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there,
Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully,
without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The
neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for
a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of
earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Two guys in a car drive right through the red light. "Man,
you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger.
"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said
the driver. They continue driving through town and then proceed
to drive through another stop light.
"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us
killed!" screamed the nervous passenger. "Don't worry,
my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver.
Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to
a halting stop. "Why are you stopping?" asked the
anxious passenger. The driver turned and said, "Because
my brother might be coming!"
A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser
with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's
radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were
loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately
observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled
down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner
now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave,
casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first
official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and
asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, "replied
the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."
I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first
time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.
"Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How
does this work?" The worker showed me how to insert a bill,
hit the spin button, and operate the release handle. "And
where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and
motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes.
He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse
me sir, but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't
you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke
them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we
also sell condoms here."
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local
motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost
an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He
inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk,
"I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty
grouchy in this picture." The woman beside him peered over
his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how
you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack
says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you
think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her
out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of
its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs
it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry,"
the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let
me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They
enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre
followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything,
she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...
and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet
meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything
had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you
are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's
Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others
watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the
young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The
frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they
reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please,"
the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a
stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" He says,
"No, ma'am, they're dead."
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for
his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom,
he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each
bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row
because he wanted to do the best job possible.
The professor announced that the test would be to look at each
of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus,
species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds' legs.
They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had
stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by
their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's
desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell
the difference between birds by looking at their legs?"
With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk
and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class
was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the
student reached the door the professor called, "Mister,
what's your name!"
The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You
guess, buddy! You guess!"
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted
island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore
and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded
on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor
a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said
to read through these and let us know if you still want to be
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for
about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle and
a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said,
'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored
me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil
necked jerk off. He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horses arse,
he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the
first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on
for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets
he wrote. I could only imagine what the owner of the car will
think when he sees all the tickets.
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss,"
he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home
tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the
garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I
can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said,
"I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive
vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where
the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?"