Little Red Riding Hood was on her way
to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned
her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or
else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits
dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's
house but decided to take the shortcut through the
forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned
her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad
Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red
was almost there, so she kept going through the forest.
Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and
tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood -
I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't",
yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're
gonna eat me just like the story says!"
Two guys are drinking at a bar.
The first says "Do you ever start thinking about
something, and when you go to talk, you say something
you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the
airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the
counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her
for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets
to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was
having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of
saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said
'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'
A guy is horny a hell - but broke.
He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame
to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm
sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten
minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy
gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on
the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he
opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the
living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay
cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money
now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of
them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and
get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is
enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him
and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're
doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should
have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a
A police officer was patrolling
the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree,
crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy.
"What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was
driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on
me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and
then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment,
and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick.
"I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"
A hunter kills a deer and brings
it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for
supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't
eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell
them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for
supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating
supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're
eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what
your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating
asshole!!", she screams.
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar
and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's
that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet
below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba
gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with
no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof
chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down
this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the
chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
"I've got some good news and some
bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks
the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've
only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back,
"What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points
over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that
blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go
all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head
and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."
A pregnant woman with her first
child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After
the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask
you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I
know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I
get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in
the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman
confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the
Your girlfriend is ugly when...
(1) She looks out the window
and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the
(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.
(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the
(6) She makes onions cry.
(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box
of milk duds.
(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a
(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her
The FBI is considering three men
to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the
interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits
down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?"
so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your
country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.",
interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife
or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The
interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your
wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about
5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he
is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The
second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks
him the same questions, and the responses are the same.
The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go
kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I
can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The
interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill
his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM!
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of
crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy
comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts
the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and
says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The
gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to
An old man and an old lady are
getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the
woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe
and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the
Three people, 2 men and 1 woman,
and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first
man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there
for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first
dog, why? The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've
been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally
caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to
sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just
completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't
like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So,
when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I
could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my
master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to
The third dog said, "This is my
masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all
the time without her closes. This makes me very horny.
So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower,
and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it
to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they
are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is
bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"
A doctor and his wife were having
a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed
either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid
morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they
are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn
off the lights because they can't see each other using
sign language. After several nights of fumbling around
and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a
solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on
some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want
to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left
breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach
over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband
thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach
over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to
have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty
An American businessman was in
Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all
night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!",
which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he
was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a
hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".
The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you
got the right hole."
One day when the teacher walked
into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written
the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard.
She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding
none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next
day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again;
this time it was written about halfway across the board.
Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she
proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about
a week, she went into the classroom and found the same
disgusting word written on the board, each day's being
larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off
vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in
expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board
but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the
bigger it gets."
A man and a woman were waiting at
the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate
some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm
here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they
chatted some more before going their separate ways. A
couple months later, the same man and woman meet again
in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
Late at night this guy runs into a
pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The
guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass.
Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak.
"Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've
got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just
had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable.
She wants me to go right back out there and do it all
again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord
asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar
for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my
guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and
gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman
doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they
get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's
a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.
"What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right,
officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The
officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't
Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till
you switched on that damned light."
A man from the Internal Revenue
Service knocks on a door and it is opened by a little
boy. The man asks the boy, "Where is your mother?" The
boy states, "She's in the backyard, screwing the goat."
The man exclaims, "Son, it's not nice to make up stories
like that!" The boy says, "Come on in and I'll show
you." So the taxman follows the little boy to the back
of the house and looks out the window into the backyard.
There, he sees a woman screwing a goat. Disgusted, he
turns to the boy and says, "That is gross! Doesn't that
bother you?" The little boy answers, "Naaaaaaaaah!"
A guy is walking down the street
and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around,
he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the
counter. He walks up to the counter where she is
standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and
places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?",
she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know
it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"
One time there was an army camp in
India that just received a new commander. During the new
commanders first inspection everything checked out
except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on
the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was
for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there
for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get
lonely since there where no woman there so they have the
camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few
weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men
to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he
went to work on it. After about an hour the commander
came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how
the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we
usually just use the camel to ride into town."
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob
walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt
and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the
hell are you doing walking around town dressed like
that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long
story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that
Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues
"Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and
we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the
barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing
and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well
Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we
did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a
cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and
said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my
clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou
lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay
Billy-Bob, go to town..."
One Fall day, Bill was out raking
leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.
Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which
was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed
by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second
hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My
wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What
happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill
then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man
replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died
as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He
finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which
the man replied, "Get in line."
A blonde walked in on her husband
having an affair. She was so angry she pulled out a gun
and pointed to the woman's head. She was about to pull
the trigger, when her husband said, "No, don't!" and she
replied, "Shut up, you're next!"
A guy can't obtain an erection so
he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles
at the base of his penis are broken down and there's
nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an
experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.
The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base
of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of
his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that
sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex
again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead
and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives
him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy
takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he
starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It
gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see
him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this
than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the
table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his
pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments,
then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was
pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes
watering and a painful expression on his face, he says
"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner
roll up my ass!".
A man and a woman were celebrating
their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their
dinner about how they should celebrate their big
evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner
for her husband. Then he said they should do what they
did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table
naked. The woman agreed. Later that night at the table,
the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as
they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's
because they are sitting in your soup."
In a tiny village lived an old
maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin.
She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were
getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that
she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the
undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men
went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were,
they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
A 54 year old accountant leaves a
letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will
be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there
was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I
will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old
boy toy. AND,
you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes
into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
Well, one night a boy and his
girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy pull in his
girlfriends drive-way to let her out she tells him to
come over the next night for dinner and meet her
parents. The boy agrees and the girl says to him that
after dinner they will make love. Well the boy agrees
and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself
,"This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so
before I go over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy
and buy some condoms". Well that day went by and they
young boy was on his way to the pharmacy , and as he
purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean
look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on. Well,
when the boy is at his girlfriends house, her mother
asks him to say the blessing before dinner, well the boy
is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his
girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you
were such a religious person" and the boy says back " I
didn't know your dad is a pharmacist".