Construction worker on the 5th floor
of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another
worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he
can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries
sign language. He pointed to
his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need",
then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down
his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so
pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says,
"What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand
saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that!
I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
One day an at home wife is alone
and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is
Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to
the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while
of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the
greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a
hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second
and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens
her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He
promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the
table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says
"That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll
give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the
both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and
thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she
opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop
a look.
A while later Tony arrives back
home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know,
your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second
and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes
me?"
A kindergarten teacher one day is
trying to explain to her class the definition of the
word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students
have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to
use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand
and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said,
"Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes
it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is
definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass
doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't
really correct either."
Another student raises his hand
and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher
looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a
question you want to ask in class discussion." So the
student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
Wife : "I dreamt they were
auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars
and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like
mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I
dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones
went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones
went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones
like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held
the auction."
The queen of England was visiting
one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of
the floors she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen,
"That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour
explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very
serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with
semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they
would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a
room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow
job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in
there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem,
better health plan."
A little boy and his grandfather
are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an
earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,
"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you
can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that
little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out
with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is
straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to
put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands
the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and
runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The
grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in
the back of math class, obviously not paying any
attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a
fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many
are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I
shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is
gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left
if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way
you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question
for you... There are 3 women that come out of an
ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one
is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is
married?"
The teacher, a little taken back
by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess
the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one
that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the
way you're thinking!"
A woman posts an ad in the news
paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these
qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me
and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met
someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met
said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you
up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you
think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
Three sisters wanted to get
married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they
had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't
afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with
their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because
she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest
daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to
her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then
she went to her youngest daughter's room and she
couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you
screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you
always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her
second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last
night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room
last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom
you always told me I should never talk with my mouth
full."
A depressed young woman was so
desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing
herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks,
a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on
her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can
stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and
bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his
arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy,
and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all,
what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then
on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until
dawn.
Three weeks later, during a
routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What
are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off
the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with
one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's
screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He
sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
A boy is at school and he hears
the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The
boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy
asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this
thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens
it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a
pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother
again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and
says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused,
and sees his father watching television. The son walks
up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The
father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he
quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the
centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the
vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to
understand what the older boys are talking about asks
"Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus
comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19
year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with
me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go,
gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and
panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys
to gook girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you
stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the
chimney with my dick this way!"
A woman and her little boy were
walking through a park in New York and they pass two
squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom,
"Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded,
"They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs
having sex and the little boy again asks what they were
doing. His mother again replied they were making a
sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in
on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you
must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise
all over her mouth!!!"
This guy wakes up out of a deep
sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and
asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have
an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know
I don't like to make love the night before." So the
husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go
back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his
wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a
dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
Two five year old boys are
standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing
doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the
other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
A teacher was wrapping up class,
and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said
there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow,
barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family
member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What
about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole
classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at
the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your
other hand to write."
A woman is in the delivery room
giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and
the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your
baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I
heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to
give them a try.?/font>
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again.
This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your
baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard
them white men were pretty good so I decided to give
them a try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push
again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come
out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor
said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I
decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical
cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry.
The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you
going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white
body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad
it didn't bark!"
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