doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but
it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live.
doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order.
"Oh yes, I've
done that," said the old gentleman.
"I've only got
to make a will. And do you know what I'm going to do with all
my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good
in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime
he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls
She comes to the
phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What
took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I
was in bed."
"In bed this
early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second
A mother and her
daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked
the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having
some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl
has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the
girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that
I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked
from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood
up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask,
"Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that
the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in
the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to
elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor
asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have
some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible
use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the
world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange
juice and I sleep better at night."
The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his
wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned
home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered
the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."
woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all
the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor
gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night
I'm home with my husband."
was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife
had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the
man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the
new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint
Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to
his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room
and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr.
Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I
work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started
to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked,
"I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the
night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded
the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a
The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the
door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman
said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another
good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy has to
take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over by
some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself. Suddenly,
he screams "Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!"
"Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay
phone and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and
finds a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do.
"Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in
the wound and suck out the poison."
"Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man.
"Yes, you must do that or he'll die."
He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So,
what did the doctor say?"
"You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."
woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has
any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried
about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman
and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"A little more..."
"No. A little more..."
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor
had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor,
the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm
afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing
hair in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly
normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair
"On my balls."