Little Leroy went to his mother
demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he
should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She
said, "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have
the money to just go out and buy you anything you want.
So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for
one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent
him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter
to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a
new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Leroy
Now, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy
he was (brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to
give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Your Truly,
Leroy
Well, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore
it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I
have a bicycle?
Leroy
Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the
way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had
been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He
crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and
went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about
depressed because of the way he treated his parents and
really considered his actions. He finally found himself
in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and
knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should
really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out
the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a
sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He
went home, hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again,
give me a bike!
Sincerely,
You know who
As you are receiving e-mail, it's
wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology
can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with
serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the
snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in
Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached
his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it
in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and
his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's
wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one
look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell
to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her
family rushed into the room and saw this note on the
screen:
"Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting
in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and
wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways.
Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the
situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him.
When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe
is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste
out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus
decides to take action and strides across the waves.
Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy
water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea.
Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps
walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's
chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere,
but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm
going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks
at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on
the pipe like me, you silly prick?"
There were three nuns, they all
told the priest that they were going to do one sin each.
So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll
bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back
to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was
laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a
guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink
some holy water. So she did! The next one was laughing
harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She
said, "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says
ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy
water. So she did! The priest asked the last one who was
laughing even harder what she did. And as she was
laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"
One day there was
this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when
all of a sudden it started raining, really, really,
hard!!!! After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop
rain, they started making evacuations because the whole
church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there
in the ankle-deep water. A guy in a car came up to him
and said. "Preacher, Preacher you better get in here
before you drown!" But the preacher just replied "Don't
worry God will save me." The man then said "Whatever!"
and drove away. The water was now knee-deep and a guy in
a raft came over to the Preacher and said "Preacher,
Preacher you better get in here before you drown!"
Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there
and replied "Don't worry God will save me." The man then
said "Whatever!!" and rowed away in the orange raft.
The water was now
waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the
Preacher and said "Preacher, Preacher you better get in
here before you drown!" Despite the third warning the
Preacher just stood there and replied "Don't worry God
will save me." With that the man said "Whatever!" and
jetted away in the power boat. The water was now
neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said
"Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here
before you drown!" The man still just stood there and
replied "Don't worry God will save me." And with that
the man said "Whatever" and flew away. The water then
got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died.
When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in
heaven. He then saw God and asked "God! Why didn't you
save me from that horrible flood?!?" God then replied, "
I sent you a car, a raft, a power boat, and a
helicopter!!! What else do you want from me?!"
A drunk man who
smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of
gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened
his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what
causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your
fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of
bath." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered,
returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what
he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very
sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have
you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just
reading here that the Pope does."
A young boy is doing
poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to
send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo
and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic
school, the boy's grades were straight
A's, even in math!
Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new
school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They
must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really."
"Then what do you think is making the difference in your
grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy
nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"
After a long, dry sermon, the
minister announced that he wished to meet with the
church board following the close of the service. The
first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total
stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a
meeting of the board members," explained the minister.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here
more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."
After a long illness, a woman died
and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was
waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through
the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting
all around were her parents and all the other people
she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her
and began calling greetings to her-"Hello" "How are you!
We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is
such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to
spell a word", Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the
woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled "Love"
and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman
and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that
day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven,
her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the
woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing
pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of
you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I
sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a
big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the
world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing
today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How
do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him. "Which
word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
The Pope just finished a tour of
the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the
airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the
chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant
chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into
the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The
Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to
over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State
Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The
trooper approached the limo, peered in through the
windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to
call in."
The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he
had a very important person pulled over for
speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the
trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief.
"No! This guy is even more important!"
"Is it the President?" asked the chief.
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.
"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got
the Pope as his chauffeur."
A father is in church with three
of his young children, including his five year old
daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row
so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was
performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five
year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was
saying something and pouring water over the infant's
head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl
turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he
brainwashing that baby?"
And God created woman. And she was
good. And she had two arms, two legs, and three breasts.
God asked woman what she would like to have changed
about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be
removed. God removed her middle breast. And it was good.
She stood there with her third breast in her hand and
asked God what should be done with this useless
boob?..... And God created Man.
Jimmy, a priest and a rabbi were
talking one day and during the course of the
conversation, Jimmy casually asks the rabbi, "I know
that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat
pork... but have you really never even tasted it?" The
rabbi responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I
have, on the odd occasion." Jimmy then asks the priest,
"I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be
celibate, but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know
what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to
temptation once or twice." The rabbi then asks the
priest, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
A man walked into the
ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the
woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a
bra for my wife" What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea
of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are
really only three types of bras," replied the
salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what the types were.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation
Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference
between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really
quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the
Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist
type makes mountains out of mole hills.?/font>
Three guys died and when they get to the
pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there. St. Peter
said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're
here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a
couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth
because if you don't you will forfeit your privilege of
being here and we'll have to ask you to visit our friend
below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car
you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because
it is so big!" The first guy walks up and Peter asks
him, "How long were you married?" The guy replies, "24
years." St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your
wife?" The guy says, "Yes, about 10 times...but you said
I was forgiven." Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too
good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the
same questions from Peter to which he replies, "I was
married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but
that was during our first year and we worked it out and
I was faithful there after." Peter said, "I'm pleased to
hear that, here's a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive."
The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what
you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and
didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife
like a queen!" Peter said, "That's what I like to hear.
Here's a Jaguar for you to drive" A little while later,
the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy
with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they
went to see what was the matter. When they asked him
what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and
she was on a skateboard!"
There was a Minister whose wife was
expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation
and asked for a raise. After much consideration and
discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's
family expanded, so would his pay check.
After five or six children, this started to get
expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting
again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can
imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally,
the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having
children is an act of God!"
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full
beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and
Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much,
we wear rubbers!"
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