God said to Adam, "I've got some good
news and some bad news. First the good news. I have
given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only
given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"
Three nuns in church on a hot day
decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an
unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later,
the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over
pews clear across the huge chapel.
They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.
The three nuns decide to simply open the door because
the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and
says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these
blinds?"
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled
street. The first one says "I've never come
this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the
cobbles"
Four nuns were standing in line at
the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has
ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she
said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you
may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the
second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a
man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy
water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the
fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked
her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said,
"Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
A woman had two female parrots who
were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a
little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher
about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they
did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be
a good influence on the two females. So they put the
four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the
male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little
fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles
away! We've made it to heaven!"
Q. What kind of meat does the pope
eat?
A. Nun.
Q. What was the First Commandment?
A. "Adam, eat my pussy."
A sailor and a priest were playing
golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said,
"Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t
use that kind of language or god will punish you." The
sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he
missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck’n missed
again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son,
please don’t use that language or god will punish you."
The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t
help mutter, "Oh fuck?quot; The priest said, "That’s it
god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of
lightning came down and killed the priest. In the
distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".
One day, heaven is beginning to
fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so
St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about
the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the
pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. "How many wise
men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man. "Three."
He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and
the first man enters.
"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second
man. "Forty days and forty nights." He answers, and the
trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man
enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his
trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult
question for the second man. Finally, he asks, "What was
the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"
The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an
answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says. And
the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man
enters heaven.
Father O'Flannagan dies due to old
age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man
in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the
man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during
your life?". The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and
I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years" "Very
well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and
golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our
Lord." St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is
your name and what did you accomplish?" He responds,
"I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62
years to the Lord". "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here
is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."
"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi
driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only
get a cotton robe and wooden staff?". "Well," St. Peter
replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while
you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis,
everyone prayed!"
The head priest at a certain
church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do
confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first
person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a
guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."
Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had
punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not
on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys
what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy
answered, "Oh, about five dollars."
This guy dies and goes to hell.
Once he gets to the gates there is a Matr'D there
waiting to greet him. "Welcome to Hell" he said in a
happy voice. The guy seemed rather puzzled but went on
with his eternity and walked in. "How was your trip? Not
too hard on ya I hope." said the Matr'D. "It was OK."
said the guy still a little puzzled.
"Well OK here's the grand tour."
the Matr'D continued, "Over here we have an all night
casino where you always win. Over there is the hotel
where you will be spending your eternity, furnished with
all the luxuries you can possibly dream of. And in the
back there is an all night restaurant filled with all
the most beautiful women you can imagine and are ready
to do your every bidding and of course the food is great
also."
"Now WAIT a minute!" said the guy
completely confused. "Yes?" said the Matr'D. "This is
hell right? This is MY eternity, full of everything I
ever wanted? I thought Hell was supposed to suck ass or
something." "Well...heaven has greater and better things
than us down here, but they are basically the same
thing." said the Matr'D. Still puzzled the guy continues
to walk down the road. Then he comes across this pit of
fire and screaming and such other unpleasant things. At
this the guy got a little bit worried and asked, "WHAT
is THAT??" "Oh that." said the Matr'D nonchalantly,
"That is the quote 'fire and brimstone' room. Eh it's
for those Baptists, shit, that's what they wanted..."
This guy dies and goes to hell.
Once he gets to the gates there is a Matr'D there
waiting to greet him. "Welcome to Hell" he said in a
happy voice. The guy seemed rather puzzled but went on
with his eternity and walked in. "How was your trip? Not
too hard on ya I hope." said the Matr'D. "It was OK."
said the guy still a little puzzled.
"Well OK here's the grand tour."
the Matr'D continued, "Over here we have an all night
casino where you always win. Over there is the hotel
where you will be spending your eternity, furnished with
all the luxuries you can possibly dream of. And in the
back there is an all night restaurant filled with all
the most beautiful women you can imagine and are ready
to do your every bidding and of course the food is great
also."
"Now WAIT a minute!" said the guy
completely confused. "Yes?" said the Matr'D. "This is
hell right? This is MY eternity, full of everything I
ever wanted? I thought Hell was supposed to suck ass or
something." "Well...heaven has greater and better things
than us down here, but they are basically the same
thing." said the Matr'D. Still puzzled the guy continues
to walk down the road. Then he comes across this pit of
fire and screaming and such other unpleasant things. At
this the guy got a little bit worried and asked, "WHAT
is THAT??" "Oh that." said the Matr'D nonchalantly,
"That is the quote 'fire and brimstone' room. Eh it's
for those Baptists, shit, that's what they wanted..."
A boy asks his father to use the
car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your
hair!". The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long
hair!" to which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked
everywhere."
One day a nun got into a cab. The
cab driver, noticing she was a nun, and asked her if she
would ever have sex. After she had thought about it for
a while she said "Well, yeah I would have sex with a man
if he had never been married, did not have any kids and
went to church every Sunday." So the cab driver said
"What do you know, I don't have any kids, never been
married and I go to church every Sunday!" So he asked
her if she would have sex with him and she agreed as
long as he would take her from behind. So they had sex
and afterward the cab driver said "Ha ha, I have six
kids, I've been married three times and I've never been
to church a day in my life!!" And the nun pulled off her
mask and said "Ha ha, I'm a man going to a costume
party!"
The preacher's wife was making
Sunday dinner, when the preacher walked in the house and
says "that ham smells wonderful." His wife replies
"That's a Dam-Ham." The preacher was surprised by his
wife's use of profanity. She showed him the wrapper and
explained that was the brand name of the ham. They sat
down for dinner and the preacher says to his son, "Son,
pass me the dam-ham." and his son replies, "that's the
spirit, Pop, now pass me the fucking potatoes"
An 85-year-old couple, after being
married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They
had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due
to the wife's interest in health food and exercising.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them
to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked
around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this
was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied. "This
is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the
championship-style golf course that the home bordered.
They would have golfing privileges every day and each
week, the course changed to a new one representing the
great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What
are the greens fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is
heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club
house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines
of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old
man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is
free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the
old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat
as much as you like of whatever you like and you never
get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after
all, Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of
anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and
screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to
calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man
looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If
it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have
been here ten years ago!"
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