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Top Ten Things
You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
- It is always possible
to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
- A detective can
only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide
to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will
know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers
are powerful enough to override the communication systems
of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter
if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial
arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one
by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessors.
- No one involved
in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or
alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- When they are
alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- You can always
find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be
picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news
bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally
at that precise moment you turn the television on.
The
top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing
into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service
agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs
on you.
8. Apparently, your
flame war with DonCorleone@mafia.com is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on,
your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly
getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says
the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000
and change.
4. You now have 130,000
ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover
of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock
it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls
you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order
bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance
welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been
forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements
to you immediately."
Top Ten Signs
You Migh be a redneck...
1. Your dog rides
in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions,
customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden
hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide
rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot
recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors
crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes
in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and
peel apples.
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...
10. Conversations
often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal
has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on
Valium.
7. People have trouble
understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through
clenched teeth.
6. You are trying
to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of
jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people
in the family.
4. No one has time
to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings"
are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check
your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House
gives you industrial rates.
TOP TEN WAYS
TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...
10. Everyone around
you has an attitude problem.
9. You're adding
chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
8. The dryer has
shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
7. Your husband is
suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
6. You're using your
cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's
my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."
5. Everyone's head
looks like an invitation to batting practice.
4. You're convinced
there's a God and he's male.
3. You're counting
down the days until menopause.
2. You're sure that
everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
1. The ibuprofen
bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS
ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...
10. Cats' facial
expressions
9. The need for the
same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts
aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip
without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference
between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs
to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy
of every bathroom scale ever made
1. OTHER WOMEN
TOP TEN THINGS
MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...
10. Immediately go
shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held
mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could
finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly
possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs
without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up
in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive
multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping
first.
3. Go to the gynecologist
for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge
of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that
damned G-spot.
TOP TEN THINGS
WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY...
10. Get ahead faster
in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what
is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up
while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY
you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what
it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself
in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down
naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the
scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between
a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which
causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number
9......
TOP TEN THINGS
YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my
turn to sit in the front pew.
9. I was so enthralled,
I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
8. Personally I find
witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
7. I've decided to
give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
6. I volunteer to
be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
5. Forget the denominational
minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we
do.
4. I love it when
we sing hymns I've never heard before!
3. Since we're all
here, let's start the service early.
2. Pastor, we'd like
to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
1. Nothing inspires
me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship
campaign!
TOP TEN TV
SHOWS IN IRAQ
10. Husseinfeld
9. Mad About Everything
8. Allah McBeal
7. Wheel of Fortune
and Terror
6. Achmed's Creek
5. The Price is Right
if Saddam Says it's Right
4. Children Are Forbidden
From Saying Anything Darndest
3. The Brian Benben
Bin Laden Show
2. Buffy the Slayer
of American Imperialist Dogs
1. Suddenly Sanctions
TOP 10 SIGNS
SOMEONE PLAYS TOO MANY VIDEO GAMES
10. They ask for
all their money in quarters.
9. They're not sure
what season, or year it is.
8. They're best friends
names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life
friends).
7. The electric company
and the toy store sends them birthday cards.
6. Big falling blocks
and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.
5. Their fingers
twitch all the time.
4. When they are
sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if
they are all right.
3. They can play
2 player games by themselves.
2. Everyone at the
arcade knows them by name.
1. Someone is reading
this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new high score
and can not be bothered.
TOP TEN SONG
TITLES ON THE POPE'S NEW ALBUM
10. Girls Just Want
To Be Nuns
9. Wind Beneath My
Vestments
8. Pretty Fly (For
A Celibate Guy)
7. A Whiter Shade
Of Robe
6. Exactly Like A
Virgin
5. Sistine Candles
4. Take This Job
And Read It
3. Gettin' Popey
Wit It
2. God Must Have
Spent A Little More Time On Me
1. Papa's Got A Brand
New Encyclical
TOP TEN BAD
THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER
10. Claims those
long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
9. Uses Jedi powers
to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
8. He's always accusing
you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
7. Claims he paid
you the rent "a long, long time ago."
6. Dances around
in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks"
routine.
5. For once he could
use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
4. That scary music
that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
3. You feel like
an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice
planet Hoth."
2. Not easy cleaning
burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.
1. Constantly doing
his lame James Earl Jones impression.
TOP TEN THINGS
THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T
10. Nuts...my shaft
is bent.
9. After 18 holes
I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked
the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size
of his putter.
6. Keep your head
down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join
your threesome?
4. Stand with your
back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so
sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but
your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need
to wash my balls first.
TOP TEN REASONS
WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in
the sack.
9. If you get tired,
you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you
look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have
to compliment the person who gives you so me.
6. It's O.K. when
the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because
you are.
5. Forty years from
now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like
what you get, you can always go next door.
3. It doesn't matter
if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the
morning after.
1. You can do the
whole neighbourhood.
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